Step Five of the Twelve Steps reads: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I loved working on this step, not because I love discussing my wrongs, but because my sponsor helped me concentrate on “the exact nature” of my wrongs. When I realized, for example, that at the heart of my angry behavior was fear, I could address my fear and consequently dissipate my anger. I like to apply the “exact nature” principle to desires as well.

 Recreational fishermen stand for hours with their hopes set on catching a fish, only to release it into the water and cast their line again. What are they really longing for? What is the exact nature of their desires?  Peace, meditation, prowess, escape? Each one has his reasons, but is he truly aware of them?

My life could be spent solely on cravings and yearnings and endeavoring to satisfy them with the things of this world. I could fish for things all day long with the hope that my desire will be finally quenched, that I will find the thing that stops the pursuit. Or I can admit to God and myself that I need Him over all. He knows exactly which desires He has set in my heart and longs to show me the way to them. The exact nature of my desire is God. Loving God, experiencing God, being loved by God, knowing God. There is no need to fish for anything else, Jesus is the answer.

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”         Luke 11:11-13

We live in an old house, built in 1904.  When we bought it, we knew we faced an entire overhaul of each and every room. It’s been twenty years and we’re still not done, but when I look at the rooms I now love, I appreciate the hard work, unsettling demolitions and great messes we endured to create pleasing, functional spaces.  

The dingy gold wallpaper was first–scored, steamed, ripped off and flung into the trash without apology. The indoor-outdoor carpet, once intended to be forever fixed to the original lovely hardwood floors, required merciless scraping. Oh, the nasty foam backing held on, unflinchingly maintaining its grit, forcing the renovator (me) to scrape and scrape again. Then sand. Speaking of sanding, plaster cracks are continual. The windows—our vital connection to and protection from the world—become stuck, require propping and inevitable replacing.  It’s a lot, but I love my house. It’s all ours.

When Jesus bought me, He knew He faced an entire overhaul. Before Jesus moves into a person, the world is their prior owner.  And the decor can be gauche. If gone unchecked, the world will design in people something uninhabitable by God. One day I yanked open one of those stubborn windows and took a long breath of God’s pure light. I invited Him in and am currently in the process of a transformative interior redesign. It’s a lot, but He loves me and I’m all His.  

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Sometimes it looks like things have come to an end.  Sometimes all I see is a failure, an impossibility.  What I had prayed for and worked toward appears to have been cut off.  I abandon hope and go sit on the side of discouragement.  When hope no longer looks like a sensible thing, I may choose despair instead and declare the doom. 

What is the earthly criterion for finality? Is there a universal sign? No, because I have a great God, my heart need never sink, even when I see exactly zero possibilities. Only He knows the divine work He is doing in my life. Only He sees the subtle beginnings, the tender life budding in the soft loam under a rotting stump. My thoughts and hope must rest in the mystery of His greatness.

James 1:6-8 says that if  I don’t trust God’s ways and His answers, I am lacking faith.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.  When I feel swayed by this mortal world and I allow the ordinary to rattle my soul, it is God’s divine and perfect word that aligns me with my Father’s sovereign majesty. Let me remember, declare, rest and hope…For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.  Luke 21:15